I Want to Write

Every day I open up Blogger and sit and stare at the blank screen. The cursor blinks, prompting me to type something. Anything. And I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head. So many things I want to talk about. But when I put my fingers on the keys they become frozen. My thoughts start going a million miles a minute and I just can't decide where to start.

Sometimes I'll get a few sentences out and feel like I'm on a roll, but then I'll read back over what I wrote and decide that I don't like the way it sounds. I'll erase it much more quickly than I wrote it and I'll be back at square one. Back to the drawing board. Back to wanting to write but not being able to.

I want to write about how torn I am on whether I should return to work and how the thought of leaving Emerson for more than a few hours a day breaks my heart.

I want to write about how terrified I am that if I do decided to work I'll never be able to get another job after being out of my field for almost three years.

I want to write about how ready I am to get the heck out of here and back in the United States.

I want to write about how I am pretty much wishing away the days right now because I am just SO ready.

I want to write about how anxious I am to know where we are going to live.

I want to write about how often I think about when we should try to have another baby and just how undecided I am.

I want to write about how there are days where I feel as if I've accomplished nothing.

I want to write about how I fail God every single day yet He never gives up on me.

I want to write about how uninvolved I am here and how I hope to be different when we move.

I want to write about how much I dread starting all over in a new place without any friends.

I want to write about how unsure I am about what God wants me to do with my life/how he wants me to serve.

I want to write about all of these things and so much more but for some reason I just can't get the words out. I know so many of my posts lately have been nothing but pictures and even those have been few and far between.

The truth is, I want to tell our story. The good days. The hard days. I want to share it all but it's not always easy. While I am generally a positive person, I do have my moments. Moments of uncertainty and self-doubt. Moments of impatience, selfishness, and worry.

And while my first inclination is to write about it all, sometimes I'm just not able to. At times I am afraid that what I am trying to say will come across in the wrong way. Or that I will seem like I am whining/complaining when I have every reason to be full of joy. And sometimes I just can't get my jumbled thoughts written out into something that makes sense.

So even though I have all of these thoughts running through my head and I want to share, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm afraid to put myself out there. To be vulnerable. But I know that I have to start somewhere...

Maybe this is my somewhere.


Laura said...

I feel the same way too sometimes. I want to talk about "things" in my life but I'm afraid how it will come across etc. I actually have a post planned today that I'm hesitant to write just because it has a strong message....but I'm going to write it anyways. I think that this is YOUR space and you should write what you're heart needs to say.

Traci said...

Just some food for thought...going back to work.

Once Hadley was about 18 months it was so much easier for me to go to work. She loves going to day care, it breaks up her day, she has friends there. I'm lucky that I have a pretty short day, I get done at 3 so we still have a long evening together. I wish I could teach part time but there is nothing available. I actually thought about subbing for a few years but I'm afraid I will never be able to get back in plus the pay cut would be huge!

As much as I don't like being away from her it works out pretty well. I'm a little anxious to leave the baby though in a few weeks.

Paula Lynch said...

Great post. No worries about not knowing how God wants you to serve. He will place them before you and take you out of your comfort zone. I am so proud of how you have handled the last 3 years. I am afraid I would have done lots of whining and crying. E will be good if you have to go back to work. Love you

Beth Ann said...

Girl, this is YOUR space. Just let it out and write. I find those are the posts that people truly love and connect with anyway. We're all different... but we're all sort of the same, too. We all have failures, uncertainties, fears, indecision. It's part of this life we live. Sharing it can be very cathartic.

Can you just move to Indiana? There's not much going on here but we could have lots of play-dates and fun together! ;)

Everything will work out, according to God's plan (the best one!), if you just continue to place your faith and trust in Him.

Love you, girl!

Marcella{The Life of a Military Family} said...

I LOVE that you shared this!

luvbnmom said...

That is one of my favorite things about the blogging community......everyone has felt what you have in some way or another and you can be honest with little to no negative comments or judgement! We all have our moments, sharing them shows is all just how human we are!

Megan said...

Thanks for sharing this- I know a lot of people, inlcuding myself, can identify with what you're feeling.

Jessica K said...

I love hearing what you have to say on your blog daily, whether its the good days or the bad days! You have the power to write whatever your hearts content is! I think once you get back to the states, your mind will clear up a little big and you will figure out exactly when the right time is for everything. While I cannot relate on experience on being a stay at home mom, I can relate to the heart strings being tugged in which direction do you choose? Do you choose to be with your babies and risk your career or stay with your career and risk missing out on all those fun moments with babies. I'm a planner myself and not knowing what the plan is, drives me crazy! You will figure it out and you have a friend in me to help you out if you ever need to vent or talk it out. :)

Natalie said...

I think being moms really makes us drive ourselves crazy with over-thinking everything. I catch myself doing the same thing at night so I know exactly how you feel and can't turn my brain off.

ajs {of MN} said...

i love everything that you post! long, short, words, pictures, thoughts, stories, recaps- i love it all! sometimes we need a little nudge here and there- just give yourself an assignment and write about it, write like NO ONE is reading! (i do that but find my posts to be REALLY long... but again that is when the most truth is out there and my true passion for writing is highlighted).

Mandy said...

Honey, this blog is YOURS and yours alone and that's what gives you the right to write whatever you are feeling/want to! Remember, that's one of the reasons you wanted to blog- was to write about what you were feeling at these different stages of your life so that you can look back on them (whether they be good or bad!) and remember how you were feeling. Everyone has bad days and you are one person that I know handles those bad days with such grace. I know you're ready to move back and get back to some kind of normalcy and you are going to meet tons of new people wherever you guys end up. You think that Jesse could start a base here in AL so we could live int the same state again? ;) I love you sweet friend and am so lucky God put us in each other's lives!!

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